There is very little that can slow your growth and bring it to a halt like the state of unforgiveness. It is one of the heaviest weights we experience as human beings, and it is a weight that a lot of us willingly choose to carry. Why is this? Well, it’s complicated really. The short answer is that holding on to it is a form of protection we adopt to ensure that the violation does not happen again. It keeps us from forgetting and it acts a guard; it is a type of hypervigilance. Does that resonate with you?
It goes without saying that forgiveness can be hard. It is the holiday season once again, and we are at the time of year when all the hustle and bustle leads a lot of us right up to anticipated gatherings with the people closest to us. If you have ever endured the explosive and diabolical nature of family drama, this time of year might have you pre-meditating a quick escape route from Aunt Judy’s dinner table. For a lot of families, the holidays are hard, because even though we love each other, there have been a lot of things left unsaid. There is a lot of unfinished business that has caused a wide emotional chasm between us and the pretense of togetherness at the forefront.
I once knew a woman who lived her childhood thinking that her family was perfect. She was so proud and thought so highly of the models of excellence she saw. She experienced (and hyperfocused on) so many times of laughter and the veneer of care. She overlooked the constant criticism of her chores and school work, the aggressive fights between her parents, the overheard gossiping sessions between family members, and her dad’s alcoholism. All of it was just normal life to her.
It wasn’t really clear at what age she began walking around on eggshells or when she became an emotional support for her parents. She didn’t notice when she started striving for her family’s acceptance, or when she became quieter, almost disappearing at family gatherings. All at once it seemed, her rebelliousness began to rise (ironically to the surprise of everyone). No one in her family seemed to understand what was wrong with her, and how she could be so ungrateful for everything her parents had done for her.
When she began to become vocal about the dysfunction that was happening, both inside her house, and in her extended family, she was made to be the family scapegoat, otherwise known as the black sheep. She tried many times to express her feelings, to reason, to be understood, but it made absolutely no difference to anyone. In their minds, she was considered “wrong”, “lost” and “undeserving”. It made her angry and incredibly sad to see the family that she had glorified so much, turn on her without question or consideration. Even after moving out on her own at age 18 (never to again to go back home), it still took her years to consider herself to have lived through emotional abuse and in a home with domestic violence.
We know that God requires us to “forgive our enemies, and pray for those who despitefully use us” (Matthew 5:44-46). This sounds well and good, but when your heart is hurting, it feels like nothing could be more impossible. How do you do this when the other person won’t even recognize your hurt? What does it take to forgive without closure? Without condoning the wrongdoing that has been done to you? Without avenging yourself? Fortunately, I have answers for you!
Recognize that as long as you are trying to protect yourself (aka are using defense mechanisms), you cannot heal the way you need to and will not be fully effective in your purpose. Say what?! That’s right. Forgiveness means that you forfeit the right to make the other person fix your hurt or your feelings. I know we want acknowledgment of the wrong, validation of the pain, and punishment as justice. Listen to me… Those are all things you cannot control, and ruminating on it is only torturing and distracting you. Sit with that terribly uncomfortable realization for a little while.
Don’t be so focused on your hurt that you devalue yourself and what you are doing on this earth. What you have inside of you is instrumental, so needed and invaluable. Here is some hard truth wrapped in love. I know you didn’t cause what happened to you, but you are responsible for your own healing. Not them. As much as you want to, you cannot make them heal you. I SO wish it were not true. There is not one person on this whole earth who has not experienced deep pain caused by someone else, and it is a truth that each one of us has to accept. When you are considering forgiveness, remember these things:
You are not giving them a pass. You need to fully acknowledge that your experience was real and that you were violated. There is no need to try to forget what happened.
Any acts of vengeance that you seek against them will undoubtedly come back around to bite you in the butt. God says, “Do not be deceived. I will not be mocked. Whatever you sow, that and only that will you reap.” [Galatians 6:7-9] I have to say this is the biggest thing that keeps me from being spiteful. Life can be hard enough. No need in shooting my own self in the foot.
They didn’t get away with anything. Read number 2 again. Romans 12:19 says, “Dearly beloved, do not avenge yourself, but leave room for God’s wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, says the Lord, and I will repay.’” This requires some self-control on your part. You don’t get to control how God repays, but just know that He will “contend with those who contend with you” [Psalm 35:1].
There is room for your anger and sadness. It is part of the process of grief. You get to have your feelings. Be angry. Respectfully wrestle with God (He can take it). Cry. Yell. Process. Do it all over again tomorrow and the next day. Don’t suppress . . . Pray for the courage to go through it, so that you can be free again, and don’t let anyone pressure or shame you into making this process go fast. It is none of their business, so use your boundaries in letting them know.
Remember the parable about the tares and the wheat. While the farmer was sleeping, an enemy went out and planted weeds or tares among the wheat. When the farmer was told what was done, he told his workers to let them grow up together until the harvest. If you uproot one, you uproot the other. When you walk through pain with God, He ultimately uses what the enemy meant for evil for your good. During the healing process, the tares get uprooted and the wheat remains. Healing is the goal. Let nothing deter you from it.
Reconciliation is an entirely different matter altogether than forgiveness. Sometimes it is not wise to put yourself back into a relationship or environment where you know darn well that more hurt is waiting just around the corner. If you don’t have any evidence of changed behavior that would be indicative of trustworthiness, you may want to give a strong second thought to reconciling until you do.
You also have been in need of forgiveness. None of us are without fault. Remember the times that you needed mercy.
The fact is that forgiveness is really hard to do on your own. It is often an area of weakness for a lot of us, and it is an act that we have to wrestle with repeatedly before it is all said and done. Fortunately, God says that He gives us grace (empowerment) for the areas in our lives where we are weak [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]. He never sets an expectation that He does not give us capability for. Surrender your hurt and watch Him step in. My heart is with you.
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